You know nothing, Game of Thrones fans [Season 3, Episode 9 Speculation]

In a few days time, thousands will sit themselves down for the latest installment David Benioff and D.B. Weiss’ hit HBO series, Game of Thrones. After last week’s break, it seems almost an eternity since we’ve caught up with our favorite Westorosi lords, ladies, and common folk.

As we fans have come to know, GoT loves to spend weeks and weeks with buildup, only to deliver with some super massive ridiculous battle/plot reveal/whatever that reminds us why we started watching in the first place. For season 3,  it’s safe to presume in this penultimate episode shit is going to hit the fan.

Before things get rolling with speculation, it’s only fair to start with a disclaimer.

I have read all of the books. I have read all of the ASOIAF wikia pages. I know way too fucking much about the world that George R.R. Martin has crafted. That being said, this is post is entirely based on speculation from my experience watching the HBO series Game of Thrones. There will be no spoilers.

Most Badass Short Man Since Little People Big World

Most Badass Short Man Since Little People Big World

So lets start with the basics.

A lot of people have complained with how slow paced this season has been. Yeah, no shit. If you’ve ever seen a hard copy of the third book, A Storm of Swords, you’d agree there is no possible way to fit all the facts and figures into an 11 episode season without lighting the largest nerd rage the North has ever seen. As much as it pains us all to wait, lets let them do it right, eh? I promise, it will be worth it.

But back to S3E9. We know to expect the grand joining of Houses Tully and Frey at the Twins. Which means we’ll finally get to meet Walder Frey, Lord of the Twins and bannerman to Lord Edmure Tully. Let us not forget, however, he has a pretty big bone to pick with Robb Stark after he married that Voltani girl, whatsherface, instead of one of Walder’s daughters. Also worth noting, the guy is like 90 with the memory of an elephant. I think it’s safe to assume that Robb will be doing some serious ass-kissing if he expects to come out of this with an army strong enough to take Casterly Rock from the Lannisters. Hopefully, Catelyn will keep her mouth shut and Brynden Blackfish will get some awesome badass lines. Honestly, I still haven’t forgiven her for releasing Jamie way back when. Makes me angry just thinking about it. But what cha’ gonna do?

Realistically, this will also probably be a very Dany-light episode. She might get a few minutes, but it will probably focus more on this new dynamic between Daario Naharis and the Mother of Dragons. Lets be real, she’s gonna run some train on Yunkai, but that’ll wait to the season finale. We’ve already seen some friction between Ser Jorah and Ser Barristan, but with Daario in the mix I think we can expect Jorah to run green with jealousy. Especially as he watches her become increasingly less dependent on him and his counsel, now that she’s got the legendary Barristan the Bold and Daario’s Second Sons at her back.

[Side bar. Book readers, you got to get over this blue hair thing. It makes no difference what color Daario’s hair is. At first I was concerned that they made him a Second Son rather than a Stormcrow, but they’ve proven that they will very much will tell the same story as the book. Let’s have some faith in the producers who have taken care of us so far.]



Back in the North, we probably won’t hear from Sam and Gilly. They’ll keep making their way toward Castle Black, with the MASSIVELY IMPORTANT knowledge that dragonglass (known to the Maesters of the Citadel as obsidian) fucks up White Walkers. In the same vein, Bran, Osha, Hodor (Hodor), and the Reeds will keep trudging towards the Wall. Can’t imagine too much excitement on that front unless they have Osha and Hodor (Hodor)  get freaky for the sake of including tits in the episode. Weirder things have happened.

See we may or may not hear from Theon, who will probably keep getting senselessly tortured by horn blowing mystery man. We might, MIGHT, find out his identity. But in the grand scheme of things, does it matter who this guy is? We know he’s a northman, and the whole north wants to stick it to Theon for his treachery. I will say, TV viewers with particularly keen eyes can figure out who he is. But like I said, it’s not like the knowledge will really blow anyone’s minds. We’ll know by the end of next week though, they can’t dance around that forever.

Jon Snow, however, is an interesting character to consider. He’s so fundamentally torn between his love with Ygritte and his pledge to Qhorin Halfhand. Sooner or later he is going to have to make a decision between these two opposing forces, but that won’t happen next week. We’ll talk about that as it continues to loom.

Arya Stark and the Hound will continue to make their way towards the Twins, and boy am I really hoping for a reunion between Arya and Robb. That family has faced so much shit in the last 3 seasons I just want to see that little wolf experience some genuine happiness. In their segment, we might be able to expect some further bits of awesomeness from the Hound. A lot of people hate that guy, for good reason. But who knows, he could march up to Robb Stark and pledge himself to his service just for the chance to stick it to his brother, Gregor Clegane, the Mountain That Rides. Wouldn’t a final showdown between those two assholes make for great television?

I will totally be their father for you!

I will totally be their father for you!

Down in Kings Landing, a few things are bound to happen. Sansa will cry. Shae will be sassy toward Tyrion, who will in turn be snarky. Joffrey will be an asshole. Tywin will lay down an iron fist. Margaery will be slutty. Loras will be gay. Cersei will get drunk. And the Queen of Thorns will be a boss.

Not much to go on, right? We know that the Royal Wedding joining the Tyrells and the Lannisters will happen in the season finale, so I’ve got a feeling that the capital will be the center of attention for the majority of that episode. This second-to-last will let them tie up as many plot lines in the North as they need to in order to give Dany and the Wedding the attention they deserve in the end.

Except, perhaps, the arrival of Jaime Lannister and Brienne of Tarth to Kings Landing. That’s a big enough plot point to add in S3E9 so everyone won’t forget about King’s Landing. That one could also go either way, however (saving it for the finale that is). Only because his arrival means 3 HUGE conversations. Obviously with Tywin, Tyrion, and Cersei. Tywin’s rage over the loss of the hand, Tyrion reuniting with the only family member who doesn’t hate him, and Cersei’s desire to once again fuck her brother. It’s just as likely that one or more may be saved for the finale. But remember, this is just speculation.

Am I forgetting anyone? Oh right, Stannis and the crew over in Dragonstone. Despite what Davos has now seen with Melisandre and her leeching of Gendry, he won’t be swayed by the Lord of Light. Stannis trusts him to counsel what’s right, even if that contradicts the Red God’s wishes. While Davos won’t try to kill the Red Woman, he’ll fight her every step of the way in order to guide Stannis to victory while retaining the honor that defines him as a man and as a king. As to Gendry’s fate, your guess is as good as mine. In all likelihood, Melisandre will try to burn him alive and Davos won’t be having any of it.

[Side bar. I’m also not entirely convinced that Gendry’s blood will do anything. Baratheon’s are kings not by right but by victory over the Targaryens. If the Melisandre of Asshai had a vial of Dany’s blood, that crazy woman could probably burn all of Westoros in a hot minute. Get it? Hot minute?]

This has turned into a bit of a novel in itself, and for that, I apologize. But there’s so many characters in this show, what can ya do?

But this could all be bullshit. We’ll have to find out on Sunday at 9 (pm, for the East Coast) won’t we?

Valar Morghulis,




3 thoughts on “You know nothing, Game of Thrones fans [Season 3, Episode 9 Speculation]

  1. Ugh, Theon. First, we’re sympathetic to him, growing up as a ward. Then, we see his father dumping on him when Theon returns home. THEN, we scream and shout for Theon to please stop trying to take Winterfell, you don’t know what you’re doing. Then we’re kind of stoked to watch him get tortured at the hands of whom I’m guessing is a Bolton. But as the tortue goes on I just want it to stop, it’s too much punishment for the crime he committed. At the end, I just have no clue what I want to see happen to Theon’s character.

  2. The thing is at this point, it’s purely dumb luck that he’s in this torturing situation. In most cases, if Theon had been captured by…lets say a Karstark or Umber…he immediately would have either been executed or sent to the Night’s Watch. This whole torturing thing is very specific to House Bolton, considering their sigil is the Flayed Man. It was a Bolton bannerman who cut off Jaime’s hand, and Roose was quick to have a little fun fucking with Jaime when they first met at Harrenhal. They’re all pretty sick.

    I’m with you on Theon’s uncertain future. It looks pretty bleak, but they can’t keep up the senseless violence forever. It has nothing to do with his crimes, his captor is just an asshole. Gut feeling, they won’t kill him. It’s more likely that this mystery man will keep playing mind games just to see how long it takes for Theon to totally break.

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